Since October 2010, we went home for Christmas (which was SO lovely, it was just so wonderful to be somewhere that made SENSE), embarked on a cray 9 month house-hunt, during which time we lived in a "tenement" [-my father in law] with a five-generation family of brazen mice, found a house, got outbid on the house, found another house after SIGNIFICANT DAILY SEARCHING, secured a mortgage after SIGNIFICANT DAILY FAXING AND SCANNING AND EMAILING of documents, closed the deal with Miller the 38-year-old father of ten, and moved into our "maybe not forever but at least for the next five years" house. We also put Wiley into kindergarten, and saw Dash emerge as a passionate two year old.
Well. Sweet, sweeeeet Wednesday night on my own with a mug of wine and a Trader Joe's frozen dinner and the rest of the week off of work. No better time than to rediscover that oh yeah, I invented a blog during a personal crisis at work, because I wanted some help remembering wtf I spend my days doing. So let's just carry on as though nothing happened.
This week has been difficult, a bit. I mean, work drama aside (here's the aside: ugh ugh ugh blah blah blah. The end.), it's been great to be slowly winding down for the year. I always find this time, and any pleasant time, bittersweet. Yes, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, but soon it'll feel a lot like mid-January. Aaaargh!!! Also, I am SO EXCITED to see my brother and sister soon, and it will be so lovely to just hang out with them and soak them in. But on the minus side, it's only 2 weeks; what will i get them for Christmas and will they be disappointed; soon they'll be gone again AND THEN WHAT?!?! And oh, the pull! I have days off from work, and it's such joy to have time to myself, but so hard to justify not spending time with the children. Now that I have this oft fantasized time, what to do with it? I so often cry that I wish I could do X, Y or Z, but where will I find the time?!?!?!?!?! Now that I have the time, did I get a bikini wax/take Dash to the Children's Museum/do thoughtful shopping for Christmas/sand and spraypaint the laquered box/organize the "shit room? NO! I did go to get my non-driving licence, after approx ten years of wandering about with my passport/greencard as my primary ID. Hooray! And I did purchase gloves for Wiy (after significant comparison shopping between Marshalls/Old Navy/Target), liquid plumber to clear out the bathroom sink and a new lunch box for him. And I did tidy the bedroom marginally. But really. Not a major success.
I have another day off tomorrow, and I have Chyvone here to take care of poor Dash. I promise I'll be home by 3.20-ish, with Wiy, so you get to have a nice quiet morning in, a solid nap, and then we'll be there to bring the fun! But I just don't want to spend another aimless day being marginally productive. My Free Time is so rare and precious (hence the caps) that I tend to get stunned by the freedom, and end up being unproductive, hence guilt spiral.
Let's think of things for me to do:
Go to town to some of them FANCY charity shoppes! See what they have in the way of decor!
Get that bikini wax...ugggg.
....
Hm.
Okay. Maybe it's a day of indulgence in la cite? Maybe I drop Wiy off at school, go to Mood or whatevs and buy some fabric for a roman shade in the kitchen, on to a museum (!!!), uptown to Memorial thrift, work back downtown to Housingworks, and back in Clinton Hill for a 2pm wax, then school pickup feeling so fresh and so clean.
I dunno.
I feel that I lament having no free time, but when I do, it's either so pressurized that I'm frozen like a deer in the headlights, or it's so guilt-laden that I come straight home.
Whatevs, I'm happiest with my boys. My loves.
Today Wiy seemed to be happy that I was there to shepherd him and the others from class to karate, and it really was great to be the shoe tier/belt arranger. I stood outside the door watching the whole class, whilst overseeing end of month invoicing on tha side. I can't beleive that was actually an hour long. It was and is so fun and yet so terrifying to see him interact with his peers. To do the somersault that he has been so proudly demostrating at home; to take a weak punch at the bag, and then glance back over his shoulder at me. Fit to burst. Walking home as usual he was full of the dramas of the day - who was on yellow; who wouldn't sit next to him. My eldest son is a sweet little boy and I am so thankful for him.
Baby Dash! He's two and four months, and he is a force to be reckoned with. Morning: snuggles in bed with me, followed by a WHITE yoghurt and a narna. Later, when Miss Chyvone arrived, he bargained hard for "one more Caillou," after starting off ambitious with demands for "Finns (Cars 2)." I came home in the afternoon to do a steeeuuuupid call for work, and came upstairs to find him asleep next to C, sprawled on his blankey, on the sofa. SNUGGS!! In the afternoon he was so happy, as always, to see his other half Wiy. Poor little lamb was under the weather though, and skipped over much of his dinns to focus on his demands for a "BASST!" Demands met, he finally went to bed after having his preliminary snuggle in "the tent."
I love those boys more than I could ever imagine loving anyone. Every cell in my body is turned in their direction. My Heart Beats Their Names. This evening I have been wondering about what led me to this point in my life. Not that it's necessarily the wrong point, but it certainly isn't what I would have imagined of myself, career-wise, and location-wise, as an idealistic teen. Solo-wine causes introspection, and I've been thinking about how things would have been different if I'd have 'been true to thine own self" or followed my dreams or whatev. [full disclosure, at the time that I took my arse-backwards fall into my current career, I had LITERALLY no dreams to speak of] I think I've shaken off a lot of that thought of having "sold my soul" these days. We have a good life; the boys are happy; thank goodness I can provide for them and give them what I wish I could have had myself; while I'm not around nearly as much as I'd like, I am around more than other working mums; I cherish my time with them on Fridays.
I have also been wondering about what counsel I would give my sixteen year old sons, as they take the definitive steps into their adult lives. That I have no answer for right now. And I'm a bit too far into this bottle of delightful fizzy TJ's to be coherent about it. I just hope they find fulfillment, either in their careers, or through their families, or ideally, both. I just want them to live a good life.
I started this "blog" in a moment of morbidity, wondering when the time came for reckoning on my life, whether I'd be able to remember the precious heartachingly beautiful moments that came woven through the dirge. I just want to be able to have lived a good life.
